Conversation 002

What fascinates you? 

What fascinates me is love. True love, the lack of love, the need for love. All of it. How it varies from person to person, how it can linger forever or evaporate in an instant. How some unexplainable subconscious emotion ultimately determines your life and the life of everyone around you.

How do you tell the difference between love and infatuation?

Infatuation is attraction. You like the idea of something/someone and get a rouse out of that thing. Emotionally or physically. Love is when you feel this infatuation, but you also feel genuine care for that person, you recognize their individual value and the value they add to you, and you feel the need to improve their life. Infatuation is service level devotion for a momentary pleasure. Love is a constant sacrifice to serve what you love.

Are you in love?

Very much so.

What song do you think of when you think of love?

Haha that’s a tough one. Well, when I think of love I think of happy. So probably Smile by Uncle Kracker.

How would you describe where you are right now in life?

I’d say that I’m in a rebuilding stage. I went from the best year of my life to the worst month of my life in almost an instant. But since then I’ve been chasing God and finding my true self and I’m feeling stronger and braver and more of a man than of a boy.

If you could give your younger self advice, what would it be?

How much younger?

As young as you want.

Trust in God.

What are you looking forward to?

Not having to struggle with my mental illness anymore.

Do you have any advice anyone struggling with mental illness? How can their friends and family help them?

Don’t keep it to yourself. Look for help and be open to being weak. For a long time I denied that I had a problem. It lead me to fear my illness and do whatever I could to ignore it and distract myself, which lead me to many things I regret. As soon as I opened up about it and started getting help, I felt that I could beat it and I’ve felt stronger standing in its wake and not letting it control me.

Friends and family… really have to go at the pace of the person who is struggling.

Don’t force yourself on them or think you understand or try to tell them how they should feel. It’ll only make them feel more alone. Just support, and love unconditionally.

What’s a childhood memory that you have?

Good or bad or what

haha, all my questions are open response. whichever one pops into your head first.

Well first memory that pops into my head is when I dropped a glass on the floor trying to get my dad a drink. And he got so mad he made me walk across the glass to get out of the kitchen. My feet bled a lot. I think that sums up my childhood.

What an asshole, what would you do if he was right in front of you right now?

Tell him that I hope he finds a way to make up for all the ways that he hurt my family. And that I have become stronger because of him. And I’m going to be a better dad than he could ever dream of, and he will have nothing to do with his grand-children.

That’s good to hear. I feel like some people think it’s some kind of an obligation for parents to meet their family, but that’s just not true. What do you think of when you think family?

I think of a puzzle missing a bunch of pieces. Me and my family fit together here and there, but there are some major aspects missing that I wish weren’t. I think of turbulence and inconsistency. Something I want to change when I grow up.

Is there anything you’d like to say?

Haha well what’s on my mind is my love, as corny as it is. She’s the greatest and I’m really just happy to be with her. I love her a lot more than anything else in the world. I really love God and all He’s done for me. I’m really excited for where my life is going. To anyone out there reading this, know that there’s always a way to improve and make up for what you’ve done wrong. You are important and you are loved! You can do whatever you are struggling with.

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